I realize that post #7 is a little early to start featuring guest bloggers, but I linked my friend Rebecca to the blog this evening, and she emailed me something that I personally find too funny not to post. I am not Jewish, though I do cook for Jews; I do not have the challenge of surviving a week without any grain products whatsoever. I present here Rebecca’s take on Chocolate Caramel Matzoh! (Matzo, matza…one of the few cases where I won’t worry about the spelling.)
And yes, she is taller than me. By barely an inch.
(Rebecca:) Hi! I’m your friendly neighborhood Jew, provided your neighborhood is Boston. Amanda invited me to guest post, despite the fact that my usual daily fare consists of Spaghetti Con Whatever Meat Was on Sale at Shaws and Chocolate a la Hersheys. I am not nearly as creative or cooking-oriented as Amanda, but I am taller, so there’s that. I also hate writing transition sentences.
It’s Passover, a time for renewal, celebration, and staring longingly at toast. If you are like me, that is, human, at least once a week, you want chocolate. Passover is the one time of year when I will splurge on fancy chocolate, because EVERYTHING ELSE HAS CORN SYRUP DAMMIT GOYIM YOU RUIN EVERYTHING ok I’m done. Today’s recipe, stolen (“adapted”) from Smitten Kitchen, features Glick’s semisweet chocolate chips, but you can use whatever brand suits your fancy. The recipe was mostly “adapted” in the sense that I realized I was missing like half the ingredients. Here goes, in style of Amanda:
- Get recipe from Amanda. Consider that it doesn’t look too hard. Conveniently ignore the fact that you regularly fail at cooking pasta.
- Notice that first step involves two sticks of butter and 6 matzos. Realize you only have half a stick of butter left in the fridge and that margarine is not kosher for Passover. Sigh dramatically and decide to halve the recipe and call it a test so it sounds like you did it on purpose.
- Actually start cooking: Toss half-stick of butter into a saucepan.
- Ignore the fact that your supply of brown sugar has roughly the consistency of the Hope Diamond. Break off about half a cup and toss it into the saucepan. Pour 1/8 cup of water over it to make it suck less.
- Heat butter/sugar mixture until it starts to bubble a little. Stir for some random amount of time that feels kind of like three minutes. Wonder aloud why it won’t harden, then laugh and say, “That’s what she said.” Take mixture off heat.
- Realize you don’t have vanilla extract, decide that almond extract is basically the same thing. Realize you don’t have sea salt, decide that regular salt is the same thing. Stir a tiny bit of almond-cum-vanilla extract and sea-cum-not salt in.
- Line baking sheet with foil, and conveniently ignore the part about parchment paper since you don’t have any. Place two matzos on the foil, and spread the butter-sugar thing over them.
- Put in oven at 350F. Pray they don’t take on the flavor of the garlic salt potatoes that are also in the oven. Check oven obsessively for the next fifteen minutes so the toffee doesn’t burn.
- Taste test chocolate chips to see if they taste like regular chocolate chips.
- They do. Repeat step 9.
- Laugh at the puny amount of chocolate suggested in the recipe and pour half the bag over the two matzos. Get frustrated when it is really hard to spread.
- Grate orange rind over the matzos. Feel very creative and chef-like.
- Put matzos in fridge. Poke repeatedly to see if they’ve hardened. End up with fingerprints in the chocolate. Feel less chef-like.
- Scrape leftover chocolate/toffee off tin foil and eat. Feel sorry for goyim who don’t get this treat, then realize that they actually can eat chocolate matzo too. Bastards.
I wasn’t sure this was worthy of a post, since I didn’t play with the recipe much, but the almond extract and orange rind turned out to be pretty good. The plan is to stop by Shaw’s and get some more butter so I can try other variations. I’m thinking cinnamon, or anise.
-Rebecca and Amanda 🙂